Typical

You know how, when you make pancakes, the first one is always kind of a test? At least, that's what you tell yourself as you're pouring the batter in the pan. You don't want to have unrealistic expectations.

Often, that first pancake turns out just fine. If not, you toss it and try again.

Think of this post like that first pancake. It might turn out fine. But if not, I'll still publish it. I'm told I overthink things, and that done is better than perfect. Whatever. Maybe. But look at me, not going down the rabbit hole of setting up a whole big website, then spending days on design. I am making like Nike and just freakin' doing it.

Well, that was the plan, anyway.

The Plan Was Simple

It’s a quarter after 3 right now. I had the idea to try micro.blog early this morning. It won’t take long to set up, I thought. Then I’ll knock out a quick first post, jot down some other ideas, and move on to the work-work I should be doing. Or, should have done. Like, last week.

Last week is also when I agreed to check into joining the local Y. I looked at the Y's website and it all looked better than I expected. I'd done what I said I'd do just by visiting the website. But I knew the person I made the agreement with would then ask me what day I was going to visit in person. She’s not about baby steps. She’d probably also ask me what time on that day I planned to visit. I hate being pinned down like that. Better to just go ahead and do it before I talk to her again.

The Y was huge, and the tour took close to an hour. Fortunately the library was only 10 minutes away from it. On the way there I realized the car wash was directly on the route. Was it critical to do that first? No, but there was pollen all over my car and it would only take a few minutes to drive through. Usually when I think something won't take long I'm kidding myself. But today I actually was quicker than usual, and was on my way within about 15 minutes.

Then my stomach started to growl. By then it was 11ish. It'd be lunchtime before long. Except I’m going to the library, where food is forbidden. Not water cups, though. And, there’s a smoothie place on the way. I can use my water cup to hide something more substantial. Brilliant. It was a whole thing to get them to not make me a 900-calorie sugar bomb, but I managed it. Cost me almost $12, though.

And Then, the Library

By the time I arrive at the library it's nearly noon. I begin hurrying to set up my computer. I chose my usual table (the one by the window, that has a bomb-diggity power strip with tons of outlets), but I have to share it with a woman who is right now on the phone.

Apparently it’s OK to do that in libraries now. Same thing happened with a guy last week, but he was gone soon enough. She would be too, I hoped.

Ha. Nope.

She was here for the afternoon, and on the phone the whole time. Never even touched the computer sitting in front of her until she went to pack it up after three hours of yacking on the phone. I could hear her below the annoyingly loud industrial beats playing in my ears (actually binaural beats for focus). Fortunately, she spoke Spanish. Between my annoyingly loud industrial beats and understanding solo un poco español, her conversation was just noise and not a whole storyline.

Earlier, I worried I wouldn’t be able to resist wasting time on design and techy things if I started an actual blog. But that didn’t happen on micro.blog. Hooray. Instead, however, I've wasted 3+ hours on technical bullshit trying to get this damn thing set up. I'm writing, but I don’t even know if it’s working. I could be shouting (writing) into the void.

But here we are.

I left out the part where I spent a half hour trying to get my library login to work. I finally asked at the front desk and they were like, “Oh, your library card is expired.” They expired? Who knew? I didn’t even need the login to do work. I just wanted to tick something off my list. That’s a recurring theme, and it has stood in the way of doing actually needed things—not to mention serious long-term goals—forEVER.

Big Goals, Small Traps

I have accomplished some big, hairy goals in my life. Done things that make me wonder now how the heck I pulled them off. It’s always been by putting myself in a position that’s hard to get out of. This blog isn’t that. But putting my thoughts in writing, and seeing them in front of my face, just do something that helps my brain sort them out and get at what’s behind them.

I’d love to make you a fabulous promise about what you’re going to find here, but I have only the foggiest idea about what this is going to be. I’m thinking about keeping it anonymous. IDK. Maybe I won’t always hide, but I don’t want to feel like I have to hold back when I write. I need to say hard things from time to time. The public internet is not the place I want to put anything that could be used to hurt me or anyone I care about.

So, why say it at all? Because I suffered alone for years, and I'm still struggling in a lot of ways. I felt like a failure in a lot of ways. I questioned my mental health. I believed many of my actions and thought processes were defective or those of a freak. Then, I found out my collection of Struggle Bus road trip sing-alongs wasn't just a 'me' problem.

So, What Is This?

If you've arrived at midlife and it's looking like yet another sketchy stop on never-ending tour of nowhere towns, you are in the right place. Not here yet, but fear you're on the same route? Welcome—you belong here, too. What is this place? IDK, friend. But it's time we hopped on the party bus and GTFO of Struggleville. Yeah, I plan to write some about how I got here. No, I mostly don't have my crap figured out. But I do know that when you have friends along, life feels like the best party (even when we're struggling).

Anyhow, welcome to my somewhat collected thoughts. Thanks for reading, friend.

Edit: Micro.blog ended up being a clunky headache with terrible documentation. I moved my newborn blog to another platform.